Seppuku soshite Harakiri

Today will be a long day. But pleasant, I hope. I'd like to go outside and enjoy the sun but recently I have been feeling lethargic, and oddly enough in the summer season. It is strange. Also, I would want to get out today of all days and see the grass and strawberries, listen to the cicadas and crickets, feel the breeze and taste the earth carried on it. Tomorrow I - No, I'd rather not say anything about it. Being free from responsibility is blissful, but being free from responsibility also leaves you not a whole person.

The days in August, in Bella Augusta, are often fleeting and whimsical. This August has proved wayward to that consistency. She has dragged on, reluctantly trudging her feet through time. With this, she has given me a greater sense of tranquility and relaxation, but has also withered my eggplants. This morbid balance seems to always emerge in ways not needed. "An eye for an eye," some tend to say, but those who hide behind that adage often hide behind an endless cycle of violence.

So with things I won't name starting tomorrow, I suppose its another step in my life. Actually, I don't know why I said that because I really don't appreciate it when people say things like, "Ugh... life." or "God, my life has been so ____." because one's life is so grand and broad and will encompass one's entire lifespan. So, why put things that way? It's almost forsaking one's own existence.

I killed a Fairy

Recently I've felt as if I am heading for the dragon's mouth or the bottom of the cliff or the end of my rope. Yet in this ominous premonition, I can't stop myself from sliding into the nameless, bottomless, seamless fissure in the earth. Not as if it was my fate; like Hades was dragging my putrid soul to the depths of the underworld. Oh no. I feel all but in control of letting haphazard and small, innocuous actions ensue. Yet I can feel it all piling up on me, beginning to push back, and eventually crush me. I don't want this!

It all seems appealing in my happiest and carefree mindset, but I am not always kicking stones and grazing fences with sticks. My adolescence is not a smooth transition from childhood to adulthood. I can understand a rough one, but I am confusing what is and what isn't. Happiness is momentary, and then later the most dark and distant memory. Yesterday and Tomorrow feel like years and years in both directions, yet I wait for them like they are hay-minutes.

I hate how people use the world happy so freely...

The Ghost of Depression

There is a wispy ghost named depression. He comes and goes from month to month in search of my happiness. He is childish and wise at the same time. He has no friends except me and lacks the social etiquette to make any of his own. If it weren't for my understanding, he would be all alone. He knows so much and has such potential, but alas, throws it all away for the chance to make an impression. He hides in mirrors and indulgences. He likes chocolate and sweet coffee. He speaks little but conveys all with his large eyes that only appear when the moon is full and the stars cry with the gravity of his glances. He carries nothing with him except his collection of masks which he wears when meeting new people. It is quite rediculous, but he insists. We used to despise one another but have grown close in recent years. It is difficult to see any similarity between the two of us, but I can always see a resemblance.
What Depression doesn't know is that he hurts me. I think he's one of those ghosts that aren't aware of the damage they do. He does a lot. He numbs me and steals my empathy until I finally become indolent. I stare at him when he's not looking and when he's eating. He thinks I don't notice, but I do; I see his flaws and the flaws that he imposes on me. Our relationship has become so stagnant and monotonous. I hope we can forgive each other for our vices.

A sweet summer night (well, a premature one)

Its a calm evening for once.
I just lit some incense in my room.
How romantic, sandalwood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can see dark wood and I hear French music when I close my eyes.
Si Tu N'etais Pas La.
Crackly sound and a woman with a flower in her hair.
Violins? No. Violas and a Piano.
Now the incense is smoke, and I'm in Tunisia.
A small cafe? a bar?
A woman and a man are sitting at a round table.
He stares while her eyes flutter and she looks away.
Her breasts lay over her arm as she sighs,
But her eyelashes are pulling him closer into lovestruck oblivion.
What will become of this romance?

You were right...

I hold my breath at the viewing of my previous moods, selves, notions, and consistencies. It's a funny little thing! Ha! For the life of me, I couldn't really remember when I started my journal and why I had begun writing in it - or more importantly, how I continued! It has always been hard for me to do things like keep a journal, but I suppose it was just easier keeping an electronic one, namely LJ or Blogspot. So, with these previous notions and motivations escaping me, I went back into my journal, looking through, into last April. How ironic, that on the day I can no longer remember why I started writing in the journal, be the anniversary of its creation! The first of April! And how ironic my life has been in the past few weeks. So many things have made me say so! And how ironic that things should be ironic and noticeable that way!
It's so sad! So very sad! To the depths of my heart and my soul! That ominous sadness that is so sad that it is beautiful; perhaps because it filled with so much emotion and depth. Such sadness!! I can no longer believe that it is sadness! Life can be so simple! So pure and clean!! And then so stoic and dead!! Why!? How!? I think I can understand now why, a year ago, to this day, I started a journal! Even if I lied to myself and to others through it, I would be able to tell, and I would know the true feelings I was experiencing. That is the reason! That is why my heart screamed out for writing and typing! That is why I loved and hated and despised and wanted and felt and admired and believed that I would one day have that! THAT! THAT! That complete and utter happiness! That wonderful, blissful, clean and simple happiness that has inspired names, dreams, songs, stories and poetry!
You were right Jess, you were right all along... It didn't need to be evident sometimes. I just needed to be it and feel it! You are wise beyond your years!