I thought that by keeping myself stationary and by letting the poisonous insects of my social hell-hole sting and bite me, I was defending my pride, my honor, and my sympathy. How fleeting and dramatic! It was nothing, meaningless! I was only sustaining a foolish consistency. I am no longer ashamed of my ability to hate and to despise. I had already distinguished myself as a despiser, but i suppose that I really didn't believe myself: I was being untruthful and halfhearted! I wanted to believe that it was in-the-moment, and that it was only pretense; a game; a childish habit, but I am no longer sure. Is it succumbing to human nature and meaningless drama? This, I am not sure, but I do know that I have been stuck in my self hatred. I have been wallowing in the manure of the superfluous: my own words.
Those who have a goal say, "This is a dream, a dream of my own, and I am beautiful for it." And they are whole hearted, but my words are the words of one who listens to himself speak and preach, and that is my tragic flaw! I admire what I say, and so, I taint my words with the poison of the envious. Each sentence becomes a bullet of my own firing and I begin to believe all too much what I say - the ignorant and the supercilious.
So what must I do? I assure you, I must listen when I speak, but I must speak! Must I? I fear that my thoughts may obscure my sanity more than my words would. No, my thoughts are pure and instinctive and I cannot deny the sense they present. They deserve much more attention than my words do. They will make me hate myself, my words. I will live in absurdity and I will be become sullen and melancholy.
Speak or Silence...?
Should I speak? Shall I no longer?
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2 comments:
let the beauty of your words flow, i love to listen to you speak; even when you ramble..it's amazing in its own.
but if i lisetn to my own words, i begin to hate myself more and more. I don't want to fall into self loathing.
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